Worst Movies Ever Blogfest!

Here's my list for Alex J. Cavanaugh's Worst-Movies-Ever Blogfest. They are without a doubt the worst movies, as Alex would put it, I’ve "ever had the misfortune to watch. Films that truly oozed awfulness and featured plot holes so big I could drive a bus through them."

These are not in any particular order, just listing them as I think of them. 

HOT FUZZ. It may boast about its trailer; unfortunately, the movie disgusts. The plot was truly terrible, and the movie was poorly acted and campy -- and not in a good way. Critic Dennis Schwartz said it best: "overlong, filled with too many unfunny geek gags and pointless. It soon becomes tiresome, with at least two too many climaxes, and starts looking exactly like the films it's parodying."

BATTLEFIELD EARTH: One more reason to avoid Scientology. Disgusting, jaw-droppingly bad, laughable makeup, and the worst costumes ever created. The only positive thing I can say about this movie is it has John Travolta -- and it made for some great jokes. Unfortunately, it was the worst movie Travolta ever made -- and considering some of his movies, that's saying quite a lot.

THE ISLAND with Michael Caine. I never did figure out what this folly of a movie was about, but it had something to do with pirates. Unfortunately, none of them had the charm of Johnny Depp. I passed out from boredom and apparently drove home in my sleep.

Kevin Costner made one of my favorite movies, DANCES WITH WOLVES, but he also made two of the worst movies in cinematic history: THE POSTMAN and WATERWORLD. WATERWORLD was the last movie shown at the last drive-in theater in my city. It was so bad I was almost glad they closed the drive-in.

As a Christian, I waited two years for the release of THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST. I bought tickets the day they went on sale. I really wanted to love this movie. I knew it was going to be difficult to watch, but I still expected it to be uplifting. Instead, it was just depressing. 

THE 9TH GATE and THE ASTRONAUT'S WIFE come next. I love Johnny Depp, but I felt like I'd been dipped in dirty water after watching THE 9TH GATE. THE ASTRONAUT'S WIFE just ticked me off and made me want to dip Johnny Depp in some dirty water.

I hesitate to list THE NEIGHBORS with John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd. John Belushi lapsed back into drug abuse while making this movie and died four months later. I loved a lot of Belushi's work, and I wish this had been a classic, since it was his last movie. But it was terrible. In a way, I can understand why he relapsed while filming this.

STRAIGHT TALK with Dolly Parton and James Woods is my final pick, though it really should be in first place. This may be one of the most poorly cast movies of all time. I don't know who did the casting, but I can't help but wonder if they ever worked again.

So, out of curiosity, which of my picks do you most agree with? And which one do you most disagree with?

More News from Amazon

Amazon is in talks with book publishers. The Wall Street Journal reported on Sunday that Amazon hopes to launch a virtual library service similar to Netflix for tablets and other digital books. The venture would allow customers to pay an annual fee to access library content. An Amazon spokesperson was not available for comment, but the Journal cited people familiar with the matter. 

According to the article, "It is unclear how much traction the talks have received", so time will tell if it actually happens. "Several unnamed publishing executives said they are not enthusiastic about the idea because it could lower the value of books and could strain their relationships with other retailers that sell their books."

Personally, I doubt publishers are happy with anything Amazon is doing. But this is interesting news.  

In other news, some of us have already advanced to the second round of Rachael Harrie's current campaign challenge! Congrats on that! Now, in keeping with the opening challenge, I thought I'd mention a couple of short story contests.

First, there is the 'Bartleby Snopes Third Annual Dialogue Only Contest' – Compose a short story entirely of dialogue; under 2000 words. As of 9/11 the grand prize is $540. But see the site for full details. Monetary awards plus publication. Entry fee: $10. But you'll need to hurry, the deadline is today! See: www.bartlebysnopes.com/contests.htm

Next there is the 'HOOT flash fiction, poetry, and memoir monthly contest' - fewer than 150 words. Award: 30% of the entry fees they receive. Entry fee: $2 for every two entries, unlimited entries. Deadline: The 20th of every month (next is September 20, 2011). Info: http://hootreview.com

Also, a reminder that there are still some open contests at Writer's Digest, but they have yet to fix their ever-so frustrating website. If they can't keep their website from crashing, I see no reason to believe they can keep their business from crashing as well. With all the websites offering the same information as Writer's Digest, and all the other changes in the writing world, do you think Writer's Digest is in danger of becoming a relic too? And what do you think of Amazon's latest idea? Do you think this digital library will happen? I'm not a betting woman, but if I were, I'd bet on Amazon. Much as I love traditional publishing, it's rapidly becoming obsolete. Publishers might need to get over their aversion to doing business with Amazon. It may be their best chance of survival.

The Door Swung Open

The first challenge is underway in the Platform Building Campaign, and it's a doozy! I loved this particular challenge. It's to write a short story in 200 words. It needs to begin with 'The door swung open". There is the option of making it even more challenging by ending with "The door swung shut." Here's my entry. It's exactly 200 words (and that really was a challenge):  

The door swung open. He was barely visible through the smoke, but I recognized a Corelli when I saw one. Gino? Yeah. Gino. He was the worst. He was looking for someone.

I could guess who.

My partner, John, was in the hospital, not expected to survive the round from Vince Corelli’s D’Eagle. Vince lay in the morgue, and I’d put him there. Now Gino wanted justice, but a cop bar was a stupid place to extract it.

His gaze found me and he smiled; it wasn’t a ‘glad to see you’ sort of smile. He weaved around off-duty cops. They were too drunk to know a storm brewed. I pushed away from the bar.

I wasn’t that drunk.

His hand came up and I stared down the barrel of a .45.

Damn. I was drunker than I thought.

I grasped the barrel, deflected it, and struck him over his jugular—not hard enough to kill, but it buckled his knees. The other officers swarmed. Gino was handcuffed before I picked up my barstool. I sat and Mickey brought another beer.

“You okay, Maggie?” 

“Yeah. Fine.” But John wasn't. Vince wasn't. 

I turned and watched as the door swung shut.

Here's the link to the challenge: http://rachaelharrie.blogspot.com/2011/09/first-campaigner-challenge.html

Cat's Eyes

I thought I'd drag out a post I did a while back when I was a guest at another blog. It has never been posted on my site before, but some of my original followers may recognize it from that guest appearance. I hope you enjoy the information.

 ***

You're running late, and in your panic you take the wrong exit off the highway. Now you're lost. The road is narrow, and there are no easy places to turn around. You're trapped on a strange road and going the wrong direction -- traveling at night into unfamiliar territory. The minutes are stacking up, and there is still no exit in sight. You glance repeatedly at your wristwatch and fumble for your phone, but it's not where you normally keep it. You check your pockets. It's not there either! Now you're really frantic. Did you leave it on the kitchen counter in your mad rush to be out the door?

The road narrows even more and drops abruptly. Now you're driving over loose gravel, surrounded by abandoned cornfields, and storm clouds are moving in. This is not someplace you want to break down, and it's definitely not someplace you want to get stuck either. The first fat splashes of rain hit your windshield and lightning streaks the sky. A sudden thunderous crash nearly sends your head through the roof as you jump, and the storm lets loose with a torrential downpour. You round a sharp bend and two green eyes peer at you from the side of the road. You brake abruptly, fearing the worst, but there is no cat in sight.

There never was a cat. You just stumbled upon a pickup location.

A reflection of cat's eyes is commonplace at night. I'm sure your headlights have illuminated them at some point in your life. Two glowing eyes in the dark. But sometimes, they're not quite what they appear to be. Cat's Eyes are a device used in spycraft. They make for a great 'pick up' or 'drop off' signal.

Let's say an operative wants to be picked up at an undisclosed location for security purposes, but she is deep in the country, and there are no local pubs or restaurants available. She has told her desk operator that she will be somewhere between spot code orange 7 and blue 13, but that stretch of road is long and lonely. This is where the Cat's Eyes come in. The operator takes a simple sheet of plywood, paints it black, and uses glass beads backed with silver foil for the Cat's Eyes. She plants it next to the road, hides out of sight, and waits for her pickup. Her pickup will know what those two glowing eyes mean, but anyone else will merely pass them by without a second glance.

Next time you're traveling along a deserted highway at night, and you see two glowing eyes on the side of the road, don't assume it's a cat.

... especially if you see a shadowy figure waiting in the dark.

And don't try to dig up that sheet of plywood. It's extremely dangerous.

Miss Marple's Lost Mystery

John Curran, longtime literary adviser to Agatha Christie's estate, has discovered a previously unseen story in Agatha Christie's notebooks. It is entitled "The Case of the Caretaker's Wife", and it has been published online. It seems that a version of this story appeared in the short story collection, "Miss Marple's Final Cases and Two Other Stories." The name of that story was simply "The Case of the Caretaker." But the plot of "The Case of the Caretaker's Wife" is also similar to the one in "Endless Night", a full length novel by Agatha Christie. The exciting thing for me is that this particular story has been lost for fifty years and is just now being seen for the first time.

Click here to read it at Daily Mail.

As a lifelong Agatha Christie fan, this is big news for me. I know some of my followers, Clarissa Draper in particular, are also fans of Christie.

The story is flawed in some ways. The POV is not well controlled. It was fairly obvious where the story was going, yet, when it got there, it felt contrived and far fetched. It was easy for me to overlook these issues. After all, it's Agatha Christie. And this is obviously something she wrote and then put aside -- most likely weaving it into two other stories that were more fully worked out. I doubt she ever intended for anyone to read this. It's as much of an inside look into her writing process as it is anything else. But with that said, I thoroughly enjoyed this lost story from the Queen of Cozy -- despite its flaws.

The story in the Daily Mail is extracted from John Curran's upcoming book: "Agatha Christie’s Murder In The Making" which will be published by HarperCollins on September 1, for £20. However, Amazon lists it as being available on November 22, 2011. It can be preordered.

What author would you like to discover an unseen manuscript for? By the way, I had planned to post this on Monday, but I'm so excited about the Agatha Christie news that I couldn't wait. So, technically, this is Monday's post. Barring any emergencies, my next post will be Wednesday the 31st. Thanks.

And now for something completely different. 

I know it's scary but try to watch the whole thing.
And is that Gene Hackman at the table?

Jane Error

First, I'm a die hard Jane Eyre fan. I feel the same way about Jane Eyre that hordes of teenagers (and adults) feel about Harry Potter. I own five movie versions of Jane Eyre, and I watch all of them. Often. I read the book every few years and have since I was eleven. It's pretty safe to say this is my favorite fiction book of all time. In my first published novel, I made my hero an actor just so he could play Edward Rochester and I could throw in the library scene from Jane Eyre -- which is rarely done in movies (to my great disappointment). I have Aidan, in that first published book, drive a Veyron because it sounds like Varens -- the little girls name in Jane Eyre. So, basically, I'm a Jane Eyre groupie. If Jane Eyre were a rock group, I'd  stalk them. They'd probably have a restraining order on me. (Just kidding, of course.)

I first heard there was going to be another Jane Eyre movie about two years ago. The director was Cary Fukunaga. I didn't recognize the name. However, in retrospect, I should have interpreted the first three letters of his last name as a bad omen. Fuk. I've waited for this since I heard that first bit of movie news. It did not play locally, so I had to wait for the DVD. I pre-ordered it, and it arrived today. I was so excited, I immediately brought out the popcorn and Milk Duds (another bad omen), and slipped this baby into the player. I pulled up an overstuffed chair and sat in breathless anticipation.

This retelling of Jane Eyre has dark, moody shots; beautiful cinematography; compelling, immensely-watchable actors, (Mia Wasikowska as Jane Eyre and Michael Fassbender as Edward Rochester) yet the word that comes to mind when I think of it is... stingy. If you've ever read a Reader's Digest condensed version of a classic, then you'll know what this was like. It's as if the director got to a scene, began it, then stopped in his haste to get to the next one. I envision an old sergeant of mine. "Okay people. Okay. Hurry up. You don't need to eat that. We ain't got all day. You can taste it later. We've got places to go, things to do."

The director repeatedly yanked me out of one scene and then dropped me into the next before finishing the previous one. Just. Splat. This went on from scene to scene. I felt utterly cheated. "Oh, Fuk, what are you doing?" I wanted to yell. (I think I actually did at one point, but I was in such shock, I'm not sure.) Fuk did this through almost the entire movie. Other scenes he just left out entirely. It was so chopped up, so lightning fast -- like a Ginsu Knife commercial -- that I wondered how these two fell in love. I've never wondered that about any previous version of Jane Eyre in my life! But this went so fast it left me wishing there were commercials -- so it would at least feel like the relationship was drawn out.

The scene of their first meeting fell as flat as Rochester's horse. (Especially when compared to the Masterpiece version.) The only thing scorching in the burning bed scene were the sheets. (Especially compared to the versions from A&E and Masterpiece.) Bringing two people so close together it looks like they're going to kiss does not equal heat. There was just one evening party scene with Jane present, and like every other scene up to that point, if fell short. Mason arrived on the first night of the party for crying out loud! I didn't even see a library. There was no real sense of mystery about what was going on in the house. Grace Poole was a non-entity and didn't show up until after the 'wedding'. Rochester's purpose for bringing Blanche Ingram to Thornfield was never developed, nor was Blanche Ingram for that matter. 

The director finally started getting the movie together toward the end. The one scene that captured the essence of Jane Eyre was the scene between Jane and Rochester after the truth came out. I wish that, and the scenes that followed, could have redeemed this movie. Unfortunately, they just didn't quite pull it off. There was too much lacking in the first half of the movie.

How disappointing. I'm going to dust off my Masterpiece, BBC, and A&E copies -- maybe even that mess with William Hurt (which no longer seems like such a mess after watching this) just so I don't feel quite so cheated. I wanted to watch a new Jane Eyre and fall in love with it! This could have been so great. It had wonderful actors. Beautiful scenery. Brilliant camera work. Marvelous costumes. Atmospheric lighting. Intelligent dialog. But the direction and editing were so bad that my mouth has been hanging open for two hours, and I can't get it to shut. How can someone so utterly screw up a masterpiece? Oh, Fuk.

I hope this will be like sushi, and I'll develop a taste for it after I've had it a few times.

The Writing on the Wall?

According to the New York Times, Amazon announced Tuesday that it has signed popular self-help author Timothy Ferriss. One more bit of news from Amazon to upset the publishing world. Amazon is rattling nerves in the offices of traditional publishers. Apparently, they are not convinced that Amazon's successes are going to help the rest of the industry as Amazon claims. According to the article in the Times, "Some independent bookstores have already said they do not intend to carry an(y) books from the retailer, not wanting to give a dollar to a company they feel is putting them out of business." I doubt Amazon is too worried about that threat.

Are those bookstores crazy? They're setting themselves up for the same fate that Borders just met. Why would they want to deliberately cost themselves sales just when they need them most? I understand principles, but this is self defeating. I think their attitude just hurries the process along. Rather than fighting the future, as Borders did, and aiding in their own demise, they need to get ready for it. It's going to arrive whether they like it or not. If they aren't adapting, they're going to be as extinct as --  well -- Borders. They could learn a thing or two from Barnes and Noble. They get it. Or maybe independents need to envision a different kind of bookshop in the future, perhaps small store fronts where customers browse on computer screens, place their orders, and then have the choice of receiving certain print books in the mail or picking them up at the stores when they arrive. 

I think booksellers and traditional publishers might need to adapt to the POD (print on demand) or PTO (print to order) model. Its economic feasibility alone should drive that. Why continue to solely do business as usual when it is losing money and there is a better economic model? Some publishers, such as Harlequin, already get that -- as attested by Carina Press. More of them need to model Amazon if they want to survive. And maybe they could take a page or two out of Ellora's playbook as well. They don't need to change completely. Just adapt more than they currently appear to be.

I don't like these trends, but that doesn't change them. I love print books and always want them to be available. I don't really like e-books or e-readers, but they're here, and they're not going away. Publishers and booksellers need to develop strategies to save print books while adapting to the changing industry.

Do you think publishers and bookstores are going to adapt in time to save their industries? As a writer and a reader, I sure hope so. What models do you think they should adopt to survive? Do you worry all major bookstores will eventually close? 

A sign of the economy or the digital age?

As most of you know, Borders Group filed for bankruptcy in February of this year in an attempt to reorganize its business. On July 18, Borders asked a bankruptcy judge for permission to sell off its remaining stores. Eight years ago, Borders was at its peak and operated 1,249 bookstores, under the Borders and Waldenbooks names, and employed 19,500 people. In July it was down to 399 stores and 10,700 employees.

I just drove by my local Borders. Even though I didn't particularly like Borders, it was sad to see the Going Out of Business banner draped over its doors, especially when considering the employees who are losing their jobs. But with the rise of digital publishing, several missteps by Borders, and the growing popularity of e-readers and online buying, its understandable. I've seen several bookstores close in my city over the years, but this particular one seems a bad sign for books. As a writer and reader, that troubles me. I still prefer print books to electronic, but they may not always be available.

How do you feel about this bankruptcy? Do you think it's the economy, the rise in electronic books, or a combination? And what about the trends in general? Are you excited by the growing popularity of e-books? And are you still excited by it if it means fewer and fewer print books in the future? 

I Know I'm Going to Miss Her. A Tomato Ate My Sister!

Alex J. Cavanaugh is running a "Worst Movies Ever" blogfest. When I think of a bad movie, "The Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" immediately leaps to mind. Although, it's SUPPOSED to be bad. And it succeeded!! In fact, it's so bad it's good -- good enough to become a campy cult classic. It was filmed in 1978, and is a spoof of the much beloved B movie genre. If you've never seen it, check it out. It may be the funniest spoof ever made. It was directed by John De Bello and starred David Miller. Surprisingly, this wasn't the end of Mr. Miller's acting career. He went on to have bit parts in seven more bad movies; although none of them made as big a splat as "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" did.  

The story is about a bunch of rotten tomatoes who have issues with being eaten. (Selfish louts). If you don't want to watch the movie, at least take a peek at the opening and listen to the theme song. It's unforgettable. Really. It's unforgettable. Even if you want to forget it you won't be able to. I mean, who can forget lyrics like, "I know I'm going to miss her. A tomato ate my sister"?

Do you have any favorite 'bad' movies? How about favorite 'bad' theme songs? And can you think of any other movies that feature man-eating vegetables? (Oh, well, tomatoes are fruits, but you know what I mean). 

The Ethics of Autobiographies

Molly Ringle and I recently discussed the ethics of autobiographies, and I thought I'd blog about that. I think as people we want to "be known." I'm not sure anyone really wants to go through life and not be known intimately by at least one person. Some of us might guard our privacy as fiercely as a Doberman guarding a junkyard, but there are still people we open the locked gates for. We want to let people in. We want to be known. Even if we don't ever offer a complete tour.

There is a large market for biographies and autobiographies. Over the past year we've seen President George Bush's biography, and we've seen Snooki's. I don't think you can get any different as people or life stories. The only thing they had in common was a place on The New York Times Best Sellers list.

One issue with writing a biography or an autobiography is that we always drag other people into the mess. And I say mess because life is messy. If we're completely honest, we're going to hurt people. That's where the ethics come in. I wrote bits and pieces of my biography, but I have since destroyed it. It was impossible to write it without hurting other people -- people I love. Being known is less important to me than protecting them.

If you had publishers beating down your doors asking for your life story, would you give it to them? Would it be 100% honest, or would you withhold things that made you look bad or hurt others?

With that said, I admit that I still want to be known. I shared a story with Molly from my past. It will never make it into an autobiography, but it is going to make it into this blog. Just because, as I said, I want to be known. At least to a degree. And life is short.

A few months after I arrived in Europe, I was drawn into an incident that made international news. On March 23 of 1985, Major Arthur D. Nicholson became the last American casualty of the Cold War. He was shot by a Soviet soldier and was the only Military Liaison officer to die in the line of duty. This quickly escalated into an international incident, and Major Nicholson was promoted posthumously. The image at the top of this blog post is a photo of Major Nicholson's casket being placed on a U.S. aircraft at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany. (A few years later, assassinated CIA Station Chief, William Buckley, who had been kidnapped by the Iranian backed Islamic Jihad, tortured and executed, came home through this same airport. He's known as the spy who never came out of the cold.)

As a result of the incident with Major Nicholson, I was assigned to a patrol at the Soviet Military Liaison Mission (SMLM). We had two cars. One was a stationary car and the other was a chase car. Our stationary car remained at the mission on a more-or-less permanent stake out, monitoring and logging all of the activity taking place at the mission. The comings and goings at the mission, and any observed activity, was documented. That was the job of our stationary car.

The chase car's job was to follow the Soviet officers whenever they left the mission and report on everything they did. It was pretty pointless really. They knew we followed them, and we were limited in what we could do. So whenever they didn't want us to follow, they would just "go beyond our boundaries" so to speak. The chase would break off at that point and we would return to SMLM.

So, back to my earlier question. If you had publishing houses knocking down your door begging for your autobiography, would you give it to them? And how important is it for you to be known? 

Victoria Holt by Any Other Name

Victoria Holt, the pen name of Eleanor Hibbert, has been credited as the inventor (and Queen) of romantic suspense, but she wrote under at least eight other names as well -- and some sources say over fifteen. She dominated the historical romance genre as Philippa Carr. She wrote royal intrigue as Jean Plaidy. Hibbert was incredibly prolific; she wrote over 30 books under the pen name Victoria Holt alone and sold more than 100 million books during her lifetime. Most writers will never equal her success.  

I am most familiar with her work as Victoria Holt. Her books are considered to be somewhat mindless escapes, but that's nice once in a while. There is a certain sameness to her plots, yet they never fail to captivate me and keep me reading. Her heroines are often naive, intelligent young women left alone in the world and in desperate straits. Often, all they have are principles and good sense. The heroes are usually rich, powerful men who can have any woman they want, yet they want the sweet, innocent girl they can't have. Usually the thing that stands between them is class distinction.

One thing I don't like about Victoria Holt books is that they often start in early childhood and linger there for the first one hundred pages. She also spent too little time with the great male characters she created. There are things she did as a writer that would never be allowed today. In The Demon Lover, (spoiler alert), the "hero" actually kidnaps the heroine, drugs her, rapes her repeatedly, sets her free, and then horror of all horrors -- she marries him at the end of the book!! Can you imagine a publisher touching that today?

Have you ever read Victoria Holt? If so, what's your favorite book? If you're not a Victoria Holt fan, what is it you don't like about her books? And, if you've never read her, do you plan to?

Here is a snippet from one of my favorite reviews of a Victoria Holt story. This one is for The Legend of the Seventh Virgin and it is posted at All Readers. I think you'll be able to spot the items I find amusing. Naturally, a woman would want to be the one woman that man can't live without -- the woman he'd give up all others for.

Main Male Character
Profession/status: - Prince/Nobleman/King - wealthy
Age/status: - 20's-30's
Eccentric/mental: Yes
Eccentric: - deluded - wild
How sexual is this person? - over 1,000,000 served
How romantic is this person? - as romantic as a root canal
Sex makes him - more demanding
Sex has good effect on him Yes
Sex makes him - confident
Sex has bad effect on him Yes
How sensitive is this character? - mean, arrogant
Sense of humor - Cynical sense of humor
Intelligence - Average intelligence
Physique - average physique

http://www.allreaders.com/topics/info_5027.asp

The Writer and Their Informants

There is an old police saying: "Good informant, good case. Bad informant, bad case. No informant, no case."

In a criminal investigation, the police need to be resourceful when gathering information. Often police are faced with the fact that they don't have much to go on. They have no eyewitnesses and they don't have much in the way of evidence. One of the things they do in a case like this is rely on informants. If you have ever seen Starsky and Hutch, you know those fictional officers often turned to their informant, Huggy Bear. He consistently gave them some crucial piece of information that helped them solve the case. That's TV, but the principle is true in the real world. Informants are critical in law enforcement, but they're actually more of a last resort than a first one.

Now with the Internet, we see a new type of informant. And often, the person doing the 'informing' is the subject of the investigation. Many cases have been solved because the person who committed a crime actually posted a video of it on YouTube or bragged about it on his or her Facebook page. Virtual informants. This 'crowd sourcing' is being used more and more by police -- both state and federal -- and also by a wide variety of other agencies looking for information. You've used it yourself if you've ever 'googled' anyone on the Internet.

Do you use informants in your stories? If you're writing a crime story or even a romance, you probably have some kind of informant. Who is yours? If you don't have an informant in your story, do you think your story would benefit from adding one?