The door swung open. He was barely visible through the smoke, but I recognized a Corelli when I saw one. Gino? Yeah. Gino. He was the worst. He was looking for someone.
I could guess who.
My partner, John, was in the hospital, not expected to survive the round from Vince Corelli’s D’Eagle. Vince lay in the morgue, and I’d put him there. Now Gino wanted justice, but a cop bar was a stupid place to extract it.
His gaze found me and he smiled; it wasn’t a ‘glad to see you’ sort of smile. He weaved around off-duty cops. They were too drunk to know a storm brewed. I pushed away from the bar.
I wasn’t that drunk.
His hand came up and I stared down the barrel of a .45.
Damn. I was drunker than I thought.
I grasped the barrel, deflected it, and struck him over his jugular—not hard enough to kill, but it buckled his knees. The other officers swarmed. Gino was handcuffed before I picked up my barstool. I sat and Mickey brought another beer.
“You okay, Maggie?”
“Yeah. Fine.” But John wasn't. Vince wasn't.
I turned and watched as the door swung shut.
Here's the link to the challenge: http://rachaelharrie.blogspot.com/2011/09/first-campaigner-challenge.html
I turned and watched as the door swung shut.
Here's the link to the challenge: http://rachaelharrie.blogspot.com/2011/09/first-campaigner-challenge.html
54 comments:
LOVE IT! Well done!
Thanks Abby!
This must be from a larger project because I just couldn't figure out who John was. Unless John is the MC speaking to himself in third person. Whatever. It was amazing! You really know your weapons and your combat skills.
Nice.
Doralynn, you're the best at action and intrigue!
Totally missed the challenge this time around.
I'm with Clarissa on this one!
But I could hear jazz music playing around while reading this one :)
Didn't expect a cop story from the beginning. Most original one I've read all day!
At least Maggie gets a beer after all this!
Hi Clarissa, John is Maggie's partner. I'd dropped that because of the length restriction... hoping it would be clear in context... but it wasn't. So thanks for pointing it out. I've added John's name early in the story to clear up the confusion. I'm so glad you enjoyed that! Your comments always encourage me!
Hi Kurt - thanks!
Hi J.L., sorry you missed the challenge this time. But thank you for the compliment! Wow, that's quite a thrill for me.
Hi DEZMOND, thanks! The jazz music is probably because this reads a little like a hardboiled detective story. But in this neck of the woods, the cop bars are usually playing classic rock.
Hi Alex, glad to take you by surprise! That's quite a compliment!
Hey there Alleged Author... after that, Maggie probably needs another beer! Thanks for reading and leaving me a comment!
You've got my attention, then what happens? :-)
Hi Cynthia... we were reading each others minds. I was just at your blog reading your campaign entry!
You and Clarissa make me wonder if I should turn this into a book someday! (I have a habit of doing that with my short stories.)
Oh, very nice. I love the atmosphere and the tension. I can feel all the layers of underworld politics and intrigue. Job well done! :)
And yes, making it exactly 200 words was hard. You did it!
Hi Christine. Your encouraging comments meant a lot to me. Thank you! Whittling it down from 400 to 200 words made me want to weep!
Doralynn - so much packed in those few words, pulling me in and carrying me through wanting more. I loved it! Wonderful piece!
Great suspense, pulls me right in! Super job!
Hi Maeve, thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Thanks Julie, please to hear it pulled you in and you found it suspenseful!
Ooh...Nicely done!
Thanks Christine!
Wow, you crammed so much voice and backstory and action in 200 words. Great scene.
The piece is a great action scene that's funny and serious at the same time. And what a super cool cop!
I loving the action in this piece Doralynn.
Those Italian names give away the source of Gino's business...lol. But what is D'Eagle? I think I may just be missing something obvious....
I usually enjoy crime drama/mystery stories, so your piece was right up my alley. ~ Nadja
Thanks Avery, I love to hear about voice... I can't see it in my writing, so that's something I always worry about.
Hi Gary, I'm glad you thought it was funny and serious -- but especially glad that you thought Maggie was a super cool cop!
Hi Michelle -- glad you enjoyed the action -- thanks!
Hi Nadja, thank you! A D'Eagle is a Desert Eagle -- which is a gun. The gun on the cover of my book (Sleeping with Skeletons) is a D'Eagle -- which I always found kinda funny because there aren't any D'Eagles in my book. I guess I should be careful about the Italian names. My ancestry is half Italian... Beneditto. Salute!
Wow, this is great and not at all what I expected. So glad I found you on the campaign trail. I love all the different posts for this one.
I have to admit you got me. I didn't expect it to be a woman. It's fun seeing all the takes on this. mine is #72
Thanks Christa, glad that took you by surprise!
Hi Bridget, glad you didn't expect the ending. I was hoping it would affect readers that way!
What a refreshing post. They're all so different. I felt like I was in the middle of book. Great job!
Thanks Isis. I'm glad you liked that!
great noir undertone, wonder what happens next!
Hi Tara... thank you! Noir is what I was going for!
This was really good! You packed a huge story into 200 words :)
There's definitley a book in this flash fiction piece! Good job! :)
Wow, there was a lot of story to such a short story. The hints to longstanding issue with the Corelli's, the recent skirmish that left people dead and wounded, the current confrontation. And I loved the wry, noirish voice of the narrator. Great work!
Hi there 1000th.monkey - so glad you enjoyed that. Thanks for reading!
Hi Amanda, thanks! I'm always turning short stories into longer pieces. I can't be succinct!
Thanks Jocelyn, that is an amazing critique -- thanks... you made my night!
Nice piece in so few words. The element of mystery in the scene leaves me curious. Wondering.
Hi Totsymae, thanks! Glad it left you feeling a curious sense of mystery.
Hi Doralynn,
I'm Michele a fellow campaigner and also one of the many judges for this first contest. I really enjoyed your story, especially the amount of information you got in within the word count, and I can hear the characters voice. So I'm glad to tell you that you've been shortlisted as one my top 5 to move on to stage two. There will be a semi-final (stage three) and a final (stage four).
Good luck.
Oh my gosh!!!! Wow! Thank you, Michele!! What an honor! Especially considering all the great entries.
I love how you were able to mix the horror and the humor...realistic!
Thanks Doreen. Nice to meet you!
Nice gritty, noirish approach.
Lee
Tossing It Out
Thanks Lee. I'm glad you liked the approach.
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