Monday, September 19, 2011

Worst Movies Ever Blogfest!





Here's my list for Alex J. Cavanaugh's Worst-Movies-Ever Blogfest. They are without a doubt the worst movies, as Alex would put it, I’ve "ever had the misfortune to watch. Films that truly oozed awfulness and featured plot holes so big I could drive a bus through them."

These are not in any particular order, just listing them as I think of them. 

HOT FUZZ. It may boast about its trailer; unfortunately, the movie disgusts. The plot was truly terrible, and the movie was poorly acted and campy -- and not in a good way. Critic Dennis Schwartz said it best: "overlong, filled with too many unfunny geek gags and pointless. It soon becomes tiresome, with at least two too many climaxes, and starts looking exactly like the films it's parodying."

BATTLEFIELD EARTH: One more reason to avoid Scientology. Disgusting, jaw-droppingly bad, laughable makeup, and the worst costumes ever created. The only positive thing I can say about this movie is it has John Travolta -- and it made for some great jokes. Unfortunately, it was the worst movie Travolta ever made -- and considering some of his movies, that's saying quite a lot.

THE ISLAND with Michael Caine. I never did figure out what this folly of a movie was about, but it had something to do with pirates. Unfortunately, none of them had the charm of Johnny Depp. I passed out from boredom and apparently drove home in my sleep.

Kevin Costner made one of my favorite movies, DANCES WITH WOLVES, but he also made two of the worst movies in cinematic history: THE POSTMAN and WATERWORLD. WATERWORLD was the last movie shown at the last drive-in theater in my city. It was so bad I was almost glad they closed the drive-in.

As a Christian, I waited two years for the release of THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST. I bought tickets the day they went on sale. I really wanted to love this movie. I knew it was going to be difficult to watch, but I still expected it to be uplifting. Instead, it was just depressing. 

THE 9TH GATE and THE ASTRONAUT'S WIFE come next. I love Johnny Depp, but I felt like I'd been dipped in dirty water after watching THE 9TH GATE. THE ASTRONAUT'S WIFE just ticked me off and made me want to dip Johnny Depp in some dirty water.

I hesitate to list THE NEIGHBORS with John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd. John Belushi lapsed back into drug abuse while making this movie and died four months later. I loved a lot of Belushi's work, and I wish this had been a classic, since it was his last movie. But it was terrible. In a way, I can understand why he relapsed while filming this.

STRAIGHT TALK with Dolly Parton and James Woods is my final pick, though it really should be in first place. This may be one of the most poorly cast movies of all time. I don't know who did the casting, but I can't help but wonder if they ever worked again.

So, out of curiosity, which of my picks do you most agree with? And which one do you most disagree with?


Monday, September 12, 2011

More News from Amazon

Amazon is in talks with book publishers. The Wall Street Journal reported on Sunday that Amazon hopes to launch a virtual library service similar to Netflix for tablets and other digital books. The venture would allow customers to pay an annual fee to access library content. An Amazon spokesperson was not available for comment, but the Journal cited people familiar with the matter. 

According to the article, "It is unclear how much traction the talks have received", so time will tell if it actually happens. "Several unnamed publishing executives said they are not enthusiastic about the idea because it could lower the value of books and could strain their relationships with other retailers that sell their books."

Personally, I doubt publishers are happy with anything Amazon is doing. But this is interesting news.  

In other news, some of us have already advanced to the second round of Rachael Harrie's current campaign challenge! Congrats on that! Now, in keeping with the opening challenge, I thought I'd mention a couple of short story contests.

First, there is the 'Bartleby Snopes Third Annual Dialogue Only Contest' – Compose a short story entirely of dialogue; under 2000 words. As of 9/11 the grand prize is $540. But see the site for full details. Monetary awards plus publication. Entry fee: $10. But you'll need to hurry, the deadline is today! See: www.bartlebysnopes.com/contests.htm

Next there is the 'HOOT flash fiction, poetry, and memoir monthly contest' - fewer than 150 words. Award: 30% of the entry fees they receive. Entry fee: $2 for every two entries, unlimited entries. Deadline: The 20th of every month (next is September 20, 2011). Info: http://hootreview.com

Also, a reminder that there are still some open contests at Writer's Digest, but they have yet to fix their ever-so frustrating website. If they can't keep their website from crashing, I see no reason to believe they can keep their business from crashing as well. With all the websites offering the same information as Writer's Digest, and all the other changes in the writing world, do you think Writer's Digest is in danger of becoming a relic too? And what do you think of Amazon's latest idea? Do you think this digital library will happen? I'm not a betting woman, but if I were, I'd bet on Amazon. Much as I love traditional publishing, it's rapidly becoming obsolete. Publishers might need to get over their aversion to doing business with Amazon. It may be their best chance of survival.

Monday, September 5, 2011

The Door Swung Open

The first challenge is underway in the Platform Building Campaign, and it's a doozy! I loved this particular challenge. It's to write a short story in 200 words. It needs to begin with 'The door swung open". There is the option of making it even more challenging by ending with "The door swung shut." Here's my entry. It's exactly 200 words (and that really was a challenge):  

The door swung open. He was barely visible through the smoke, but I recognized a Corelli when I saw one. Gino? Yeah. Gino. He was the worst. He was looking for someone.

I could guess who.

My partner, John, was in the hospital, not expected to survive the round from Vince Corelli’s D’Eagle. Vince lay in the morgue, and I’d put him there. Now Gino wanted justice, but a cop bar was a stupid place to extract it.

His gaze found me and he smiled; it wasn’t a ‘glad to see you’ sort of smile. He weaved around off-duty cops. They were too drunk to know a storm brewed. I pushed away from the bar.

I wasn’t that drunk.

His hand came up and I stared down the barrel of a .45.

Damn. I was drunker than I thought.

I grasped the barrel, deflected it, and struck him over his jugular—not hard enough to kill, but it buckled his knees. The other officers swarmed. Gino was handcuffed before I picked up my barstool. I sat and Mickey brought another beer.

“You okay, Maggie?” 

“Yeah. Fine. But John wasn't. Vince wasn't. 

I turned and watched as the door swung shut.

Here's the link to the challenge: http://rachaelharrie.blogspot.com/2011/09/first-campaigner-challenge.html


Thursday, September 1, 2011

Cat's Eyes


I thought I'd drag out a post I did a while back when I was a guest at another blog. It has never been posted on my site before, but some of my original followers may recognize it from that guest appearance. I hope you enjoy the information.

 ***

You're running late, and in your panic you take the wrong exit off the highway. Now you're lost. The road is narrow, and there are no easy places to turn around. You're trapped on a strange road and going the wrong direction -- traveling at night into unfamiliar territory. The minutes are stacking up, and there is still no exit in sight. You glance repeatedly at your wristwatch and fumble for your phone, but it's not where you normally keep it. You check your pockets. It's not there either! Now you're really frantic. Did you leave it on the kitchen counter in your mad rush to be out the door?

The road narrows even more and drops abruptly. Now you're driving over loose gravel, surrounded by abandoned cornfields, and storm clouds are moving in. This is not someplace you want to break down, and it's definitely not someplace you want to get stuck either. The first fat splashes of rain hit your windshield and lightning streaks the sky. A sudden thunderous crash nearly sends your head through the roof as you jump, and the storm lets loose with a torrential downpour. You round a sharp bend and two green eyes peer at you from the side of the road. You brake abruptly, fearing the worst, but there is no cat in sight.

There never was a cat. You just stumbled upon a pickup location.

A reflection of cat's eyes is commonplace at night. I'm sure your headlights have illuminated them at some point in your life. Two glowing eyes in the dark. But sometimes, they're not quite what they appear to be. Cat's Eyes are a device used in spycraft. They make for a great 'pick up' or 'drop off' signal.

Let's say an operative wants to be picked up at an undisclosed location for security purposes, but she is deep in the country, and there are no local pubs or restaurants available. She has told her desk operator that she will be somewhere between spot code orange 7 and blue 13, but that stretch of road is long and lonely. This is where the Cat's Eyes come in. The operator takes a simple sheet of plywood, paints it black, and uses glass beads backed with silver foil for the Cat's Eyes. She plants it next to the road, hides out of sight, and waits for her pickup. Her pickup will know what those two glowing eyes mean, but anyone else will merely pass them by without a second glance.

Next time you're traveling along a deserted highway at night, and you see two glowing eyes on the side of the road, don't assume it's a cat.

... especially if you see a shadowy figure waiting in the dark.

And don't try to dig up that sheet of plywood. It's extremely dangerous.